i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
