I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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