turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
