my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
