now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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