I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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