he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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