census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
