I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
