So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
