Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
