i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
