You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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