It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
