I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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