Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
