4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
