What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
