I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
