i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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