:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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