His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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