How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
