I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
