I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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