i don't like sucking hair
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
