OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
