This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
