I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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