i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
