Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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