I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
