No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
