I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
