I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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