saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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