i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
