i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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