They should really pass out barf bags in church
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
