he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize