My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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