She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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