I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
