a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
