This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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