true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
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