Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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