fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
