I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
