He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
