omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
