GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
