we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize