Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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