she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
