I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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