her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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