My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
