I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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