Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
